Doing What Feels Good

Here's the deal:  I'm sure that there is some method that is proven to be the best, most mentally health conscious, way to deal with your husband leaving you for a year.  I'm sure that there are studies, and I know there are no shortage of people that will give you their opinion.  The fact is, though, only you can decide how to deal with the unique-to-you emotions in your heart and thoughts in your head.  My personal experience, just based on these last few weeks, is that there is no right way, and nothing you do is going to help.  There is nothing you can do to stop the sudden gush of tears that always seem to come at the most inopportune times.  There is nothing you can do to fill that empty void left in your bed.  And, there is most certainly nothing you can do when that wave of sadness, that is so powerful it takes your breath away, washes over you. 

You can try!  Perhaps the best advice that I was given just after Jeremy left was, "Just do what feels good to you."  Two different people told me that.  What feels good to me?  I love to lose myself in a good book.  I read three that first week.  I love tv shows about crime, the real ones and the fake.  I pretty much made like a little camp on my couch.  I like a decent white wine, (a few reds) and I love a good vodka (not a fan of the cheap stuff).  Thus far, I've called my mom, my sister, and even my 93 year old grandma after drinking too much of these.  (In the interest of full disclosure, I have also found a Japanese drink that I love called Chu Hi, and I believe that at least one of the phone calls was a direct result of Chu Hi consumption)  I also love to shop!  As of now, I have three pairs of new shoes that I have yet to wear. 

What's my point?  My point is that while doing what feels good to me makes me feel better in the moment, I still have to face that empty bed each night.  I still have to wake up each day and be a productive member of society.  That's the hard part!  It's exhausting to pretend all day long that you're just fine, and he's just fine, and everybody is happy.  Doing what feels good to me has gotten me through these first few weeks, but I can't keep going the way I am.  My house is a wreck, because, let's face it, cleaning the house does not feel good to me!  I've gained weight from eating all those awful snacks (and not much else) that make me feel good. 

If I hadn't spent these last few weeks doing what makes me feel good, though, I think I'd have lost my mind.  While just doing "me stuff," I could stay home, and not have to face the world.  When I felt up for some human interaction, I could go shopping.  I have an amazing husband who understands that shopping really does make me feel better, and, when I'm sad, he'll tell me to go shop.  To be clear, he doesn't want me out spending a fortune, and I'm pretty good about finding sales, so he doesn't worry too much about my spending.  I needed this "me time" so badly.  If no one had told me to do it, though, I think I'd have been filling my time trying to do things for everyone around me.  Volunteering is great, and I enjoy it.  But, sometimes you do have to take some time for just you. 

The funny thing is, I wasn't even going to take their advice.  For almost the whole first week that Jeremy left, I was doing great.  I was practically patting myself on the back for being so mature and handling everything so well!  Then, out of nowhere, I fell apart.  I was at Zama, at our FRG meeting, actually.  In hindsight, it really was the silliest thing that set me off.  I don't want to go into what exactly happened, because, it really was that minute.  It was all I could do to hold it together until the meeting ended and I could get in my car.  I didn't cry the whole way home, but I did cry for a good part of it.  I managed to run into the commissary to get some necessities; (junk food) I could tell I wouldn't be leaving my house for at least a couple days.  When I got home, I cried all through making my frozen pizza, all through making my first drink, and I don't think I stopped crying until about drink number three.  That's when I started to get mad.  I got mad because of the FRG meeting, mad at myself for falling apart, mad at Jeremy for leaving me by myself in JAPAN, and mad at the Army for sending him away. 

That anger lasted until the next morning (er, afternoon) when the sadness, and the tears, returned.  What happened to the girl, that just the day before, had everything together?  I don't know exactly what happened.  I believe that I never really had it all together.  I really believed that I was doing well, but deep down, I was just on the edge.  That must be true, because, all it took for me to go over was the smallest little thing.  Truthfully, though, it doesn't really matter what brought me to the point of breaking; it doesn't really matter whether or not I really did have it all together before that meeting.  I needed a few weeks of doing what makes me feel good!  It may not be the healthiest way of dealing with what's going on in your head or your heart, but it's effective. 

Now, however, I have a messy house to contend with, and lots of weight to lose.  But, as one friend, who's been in my shoes, pointed out:  I've got a whole year to do that.  That's the only upside.  Yesterday I finally started to feel like a real person again.  I actually got started with couch to 5k again, and, possibly even more importantly, I took out the trash.  Haha!  I woke up this morning, (yes, in the actual am) feeling much better! 

Do I miss my husband?  Oh, I miss him every single waking moment.  Jeremy is my heart, my soul mate, and I know that he is the better half.  But, I can't be the wife that I want to be for him if I'm wallowing in sorrow.  It's weird, but I've also felt guilty.  No one told me that I'd feel guilty.  I also can't be the wife that Jeremy deserves if I'm consumed by guilt. 

To that end, yesterday was my new beginning.  I'm not going to say that I won't have some bad times, but I'm at least headed in the right direction.  I know some of my friends and/or family back home have been concerned about me since Jeremy left.  There were a couple of nights I was worried, too.  I didn't think I could do it.  But, y'all, I'm going to be just fine.  And Jeremy?  Well, he'll be just fine, too.