It's Madness!

It's funny how things work out sometimes.  Just last night, I had started writing about how easy it is for me to forget that this separation is hard on my husband as well as on myself.  I get so caught up in how this is affecting me and forget that it  isn't easy on him, either.  I was writing about how I sometimes take out my frustrations on him because there isn't anyone else.  I was going to tell everyone how I know that isn't fair and how horrible it makes me feel when he finally gets to the point that he can't take it anymore, and in that moment I am able to see just how much this hurts him.  It's easy for me to forget because he is so good at not showing me that it's hard for him, too.  When he does finally show me, when I'm at that point that I'm either mad as hell or "ugly crying," and he just can't take it anymore, and I am able to see that he feels just as bad as I do, I then immediately feel worse.  I know that he lets me vent and fume and curse and whatever else I need to do, while he tries to make me feel better regardless of how he feels.  I know that it can't be easy for him to see me so upset.  

I was going to say all of this.  I was going to say how awful it makes me feel that I make him even sadder about our situation.  I was going to say that it's not right for me to get so upset that I make him upset.  

I was going to...then I Skyped with Jeremy.  And, Jeremy told me the latest news (or lack thereof) of when I would be able to join him.  Now, I was under the impression that my paperwork was in the hands of the last person that had to sign off on it before it went back to Jeremy.  Not that I really have any idea what that means.  But, to put it in perspective, this is what I thought:  My medical was taking forever, but was finally approved in May.  This means that now my paperwork just had to go up the chain on post.  I was under the impression that this normally takes about 30 days, but can take up to 90.  

That means that my paperwork is now closer to the 90 day than the 30 day mark, since they've had it for a little over two months.  Where I'm going with this is that I thought for sure I'd be getting some very good news soon.

Good news?  I must have been thinking crazy!  I know better than to get my hopes up, because the higher the hopes, the harder the fall.  You have to understand that I know nothing about the military, so to repeat exactly what Jeremy told me last night would be impossible.  But, what I gather from last night's conversation is that my paperwork is not in the hands of the person I thought it was.  It's not at its final destination, it's more like in the middle of it.  I'm not sure where, exactly, that is, but I do know that they had lost part of it.  That's right.  LOST IT.  So, basically, my paperwork has been sitting on someone's desk for God knows how long missing part of it.  There is no telling how long it's been collecting dust.  I just think that someone, anyone, at some point in time, could have called my husband and said something like, "Hey, I seem to have misplaced your certificate of marriage, and I'm going to need another copy before your wife will ever be allowed over here."  

Did that happen?  NO!  Jeremy had to seek them out, and then was told that they lost part of it.  Are you kidding me?!

Of course, I'm sure you know what happened next.  Yep.  I cursed and cried and got lost in how bad I felt that, even though I was right in the middle of writing about this very thing, lost sight of the fact that this hurts Jeremy, too. 

I need to make this clear:  I love my husband with all my heart.  Being with him makes me happier than anything in the world, despite the fact that he is so far away.  There is no length of time apart, or distance, that could ever change that.  Nor am I mad him.  I don't think any of this is his fault.  When I'm mad I'm not cursing him out; I'm not crying just to hurt him.  I'm crying because I can't not cry.  I'm cursing out the people that so obviously suck at their job.  It's almost as if they don't care at all about families and/or marriages.  That's who I'm mad at, not my husband.  Unfortunately, he's the one who has to hear all about it. 

Today, I, once again, feel awful.  I shouldn't make him witness my tantrums, (for lack of a better word) no matter how valid I think I am in throwing in them.  I can take a lot.  I really can.  I'm not a weak woman.  But, in five days, I will have been married for five months, and in that time, have seen my husband for less than nine days.  It's enough to break anyone.

I thought I knew what I was marrying into.  I had prepared myself for the moves, for being far away from family and friends, for missing holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries with my husband.  What I did not prepare myself for was being separated from him without any real reason.  He's not deployed or temporarily off somewhere that I can't be.  I'm just not with him because, after almost FIVE MONTHS, my paperwork still hasn't been fully processed.  I can't even wrap my mind around it!  You would think that instead of just carelessly tossing paperwork aside, and losing vital parts of it in the process, someone would actually take the time to do their job and get wives to their husbands!  

I want to say so much about how it makes me feel and what I think of this whole process, but I know I shouldn't.  I will say this:  There has got to be a better way!  There has to be a more efficient way of doing things.  If, at any of my previous jobs, I was this incompetent, or we had a system that worked this inefficiently, I would've been fired and a better system implemented.  Yet, this is allowed to continue.  It's madness.
I really don't understand...I'm beginning to feel as if there will never be any Asia.

Still no Asia!

Unfortunately, Amber still is not in Asia!  I miss my husband more and more every day.  This is not how I expected to spend the first four months of marriage!  I love that we are able to Skype almost everyday; I'm not sure how I would be handling the separation otherwise.  It's so hard, though, to see his face and not be able to touch it, touch him.  I can see him, I talk to him, laugh with him, but I'm not with him.  I guess military wives go through this all the time, and I should get used to it.  I'm not sure how one ever gets used to being separated from their other half, though.  Not only that, but, I'm new to this!  I feel like I'm being cheated out of what should be the happiest time in my life.  It's very frustrating to say the least. 

Moving to the other side of the world is frustrating as well, especially considering that the army isn't paying for the move.  I've spent a little over $600 in the last two weeks mailing our things from here to Japan, and I'm not done yet.  I gave away all of my furniture, with the exception of my chest of drawers and vanity.  It was going to be less expensive to buy new furniture than it would be to ship mine, so it made sense.  I can keep those two items at my parents' without really putting them out, but there wasn't anywhere to keep all the rest.  Since we already decided that we were going to buy furniture in Japan, it didn't make any sense to put mine in storage.  If we did that, when we got back to the states, we'd have two of everything!

Besides storing my bedroom furniture at my parents' house, I'm also storing myself and our two cats.  My lease was up at the end of June, and I didn't want to sign another one knowing (hoping, anyway) that I'd be leaving soon.  I could pay month-to-month, but they'd add an additional $100 per month for that, and that just seemed like a waste of money.  Besides, it's good that I'm able to spend the time before I leave here with my parents.  They sure are going to miss me!  Ha!  Of course I'll miss them, too!  

Honestly, I was going to really rant about something that's been on my mind here lately, but, on the off chance that someone unexpected reads this, I think I'll wait until I'm safely on the other side of the world!  I guess I could say a little and then finish once I'm there...

I have somewhat recently been made aware of just where I stand with, well, with almost everyone in my life.  The funny thing about getting married, about putting all that effort into just one day is, once it's over, you know.  You know everything.  You know your place in your family and who your best friends are.  There are the people that were so willing to help that they stayed at the church with you for hours and hours.  There are the people that went dress shopping with you before you were even officially shopping.  There were the people that went shopping with you time and time again because you kept forgetting stuff or you changed your mind, or you just had a crazy bridal whim.  There are the people that should have been part of the actual wedding party and it broke your heart and theirs that they weren't.  And, then for that same person to be the one to throw your bachelorette party, well, you really really know where you stand with them.  There are people that no matter what kind of awful thing (and I do mean awful) is going on with them that day, they still show up just to do your makeup.  There are people that should just be seated guests that instead are fixing your wedding cake that was almost destroyed en route to the wedding.  There are people that you just couldn't ever imagine getting married without them being present, and so your soon-to-be husband makes sure they are on a plane, and picked up from the airport, and then completely made over so that they are usher-ready.  There are people that would never dream of missing your wedding.

And, then there are other people.  It's these people that I'll tell you about once I'm safely on the other side of the world...if I ever get there!